OCD In the OC

Managing the Shadow

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Symptoms

My life growing up was less than perfect. I won’t get into it, but most of the time I was in fear. What I didn’t know was the impact of these experiences on my body, brain and psychology. We didn’t talk about it back in the 80s. It was unacceptable to share these things openly, Thank God that has changed.

The early symptoms were severe control, starting with food. Eating nothing, weighing daily and hiding my dinner. I was always hiding. As I grew up and married it became more about perfection at work and the need to show up in ways that proved that I was more than anyone had ever been. This became more complex as I had a child and had to identify how to spread my already thin and exhausted self thinner. I could feel myself starting to lose what I loved, my ability to do it all and do it very well.

Feeding the Monster

While I realized that I was spiraling, I refused to give in. My answer, diet pills. More energy to handle it, show up and drive. Twelve years would pass and I truly thought I was wrestling the monster, but it was becoming my master. Over a decade of pills that promised energy depleted every chemical in my body, dysregulated my hormones and made me very very sick. And worst, made me someone I did not recognize. The signs were clear, but I just wasn’t strong enough to face it all. I had become an addict. If you think you can judge an addict, think twice….it comes in many forms. I was filled with shame as I spent two years recovering and detoxing, and when I did, I had to face the monster.

The Diagnosis

As with any person with OCD, I pursued understanding it with everything within me. I went to the best clinic in Newport Beach, a Dr. who ran the clinic and had OCD. I felt so strange walking in to that office, like I was having an out of body experience. I cannot really explain it but every part of my intuition was screaming inside to run. Then I realized exactly why. As I met this world renowned Dr. of Psychology she looked directly into my eyes and told me this, “There is no full recovery from OCD, only management of it.” I could feel my heart drop, my eyes fill with tears and anger burn in my stomach. This visit, this session, this woman, to this day, has been one of the most impactful women in my life. Why? She confirmed for me the power of words, the mind and beliefs. She pushed me to disprove her scientific method. I turned her poison into my elixir.